The Joke Thread (can be NSFW)

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The Joke Thread (can be NSFW)

Postby Zuran_Alda » Tue May 01, 2007 6:25 pm

I decided that we need a joke thread. Someone should sticky this.

Here's the first joke.

================
In the year 2007, the Lord came unto Noah,who was now living in Canada , and said,"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark!

"Noah!" He roared , "I'm about to start the rain!
Where is the Ark ?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. First I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.
My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations.We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

Then the Hydro Board demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive , and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the Ministry of the Environment ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights
Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

Immigration and Naturalization are checking the Visa status of most of the people who want to work.

The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, Revenue Canada seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark. "

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked,
"You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord.
"The government beat me to it."
Dungeon Bastard wrote:High-level characters run roughshod over the unwashed masses all the time. And that is by design. It's not just Darwinian. It's Gygaxian!
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Postby Tem » Wed May 02, 2007 12:11 am

Ok - I just can't resist:


One day, three mathematicians were out on a hunting trip: a pure mathematician, an applied mathematician and a statistician. They were bow hunting for deer.

Just after lunch they saw a deer in the distance that hadn't noticed them. They took cover and waited for an opportunity to shoot.

The pure mathematician says to the others "Let me go first". He pulls back the string and lets the arrow fly. Unfortunately he misses the mark and the arrow sails 2 feet over the deer into distance.

The applied mathematician pipes up and says "My turn to try". He takes careful aim and lets loose arrow. He also fails to connect, with his arrow thudding into the ground, 2 feet two low.

At this point, the statistician jumps up and exclaims "Got him!"
"It’s not that the scenario isn’t scary. It’s just that reality is far more terrifying."
- Randall Monroe
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Postby Zuran_Alda » Thu Jun 07, 2007 8:38 pm

A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbuck's cafe one day
discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we built the Parthenon,"
arching his eyebrows.

The Irishman then replies, "We discovered the Summer and Winter Solstice."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Irishman, nodding in agreement, says, "But we built the first
timepieces and calendars."

And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end
the discussion.

With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

The Irishman replies, "Indeed, that is true, but it was we Irish who
introduced it to women.
Dungeon Bastard wrote:High-level characters run roughshod over the unwashed masses all the time. And that is by design. It's not just Darwinian. It's Gygaxian!
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Postby zentinel » Thu Jun 07, 2007 10:05 pm

An Engineer, an Applied Physicist, a Theoretical Physicist, and a Philosopher are walking through the Scottish highlands when they spot a sheep.
The engineers says "Look, sheep in Scotland are white!"
The applied physicist says "Well, some sheep in Scotland are white, in any case."
The theoretical physical speaks up: "To be more precise, THAT sheep in Scotland is white."
To which the philosopher replies "On this side, anyway."
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Postby bonelock » Mon Jun 18, 2007 3:54 pm

Two old drunks were drinking in an Irish pub together,when the first one says:
"You know, Mick, when I was 30 and got a erection,I couldn't bend it with both hands. When I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard.
By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm 60 next week and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand."

"So," says the second drunk, "What's your point?"

"The point is, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm going to get."
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Postby Heironeous » Thu Jun 28, 2007 1:13 am

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son say, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now....cause his is the last stop! "And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train.... cause we're going on down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train...but I want you to use nice language.

Two Hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say..."All passengers please remember your things, thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."

She heard her little darling continue... "For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, PLEASE see the bitch in the kitchen..."
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Postby Heironeous » Mon Jul 16, 2007 4:16 pm

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be
institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub"

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

DID YOU PASS, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?
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Postby Heironeous » Tue Jul 24, 2007 7:35 pm

For those of you who have suffered through Military C Rations and MREs -
This story will have a great deal of meaning. Yes it is true that some of
the meals were marked "Not for preflight or in flight use"


Chez Ranger

by Frank Rodgers

I had a date the other night at my place. On the phone the day before, the
girl asked me to "Cook her something she's never had before" for dinner.

After many minutes of scratching my head over what to make, I finally
settled on something she has DEFINITELY never eaten.

I got out my trusty case of MRE's. Meal, Ready-to-Eat. Field rations that
when eaten in their entirety contain 3000+ calories. Here's what I made:

I took three of the Ham Slices out of their plastic packets, took out three
of the Pork Chops, three packets of Chicken-a -la-King, and eight packets of
dehydrated butter noodles and some dehydrated/rehydrated rice.. I cooked the
Ham Slices and Pork Chops in one pan, sauteed in shaved garlic and olive
oil.

In another pot, I blended the Chicken a-la-king, noodles, and rice together
to make a sort of mush that looked suspiciously like succotash. I added some
spices, and blended everything together in a glass pan that I then cooked in
the oven for about 35 minutes at 450 degrees.

When I took it out, it looked like, well, ham slices, pork chops, and a bed
of yellow poop. I covered the tops of the meat in the MRE cheese (kinda like
velveeta) and added some green sprinkly thingys from one of my spice cans
(hey, if it's got green sprinkly thingys on it, it looks fancy right?)

For dessert, I took four MRE Pound Cakes, mashed 'em up, added five packets
of cocoa powder, powdered coffee cream, and some water. I heated it up and
stirred it until it looked like a sort of chunky gelatinous organism, and I
sprinkled powdered sugar on top of it.

Voila--Ranger Pudding.

For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle of Military Special Vodka
(yes, they DO make a type of liquor named "Military Special"--it sells for
$4.35 per fifth) and mixed in four packets of "Electrolytes - 1 each -
Cherry flavored" (I swear, the packet says that). It looked like an eerie
kool-aid with sparkles in it (that was the electrolytes I guess... could've
been leftover sand from Egypt).

I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers in the middle, and set the
table with my best set of Ralph Lauren Academy-series China (that shit is
fucking EXPENSIVE... my set of 8 place settings cost me over $600), and put
the alcoholic drink in a crystal wine decanter.

She came over, and I had some appetizers already made, of MRE
spaghetti-with-meatballs, set in small cups. She saw the dinner, saw the
food, and said "This l ooks INCREDIBLE!!!"

We dug in, and she was loving the food. Throughout the meal, she kept asking
me how long it took me to make it, and kept remarking that I obviously knew
a thing or two about cooking fine meals. She kind of balked at the makeshift
"wine" I had set out, but after she tried it I guess she liked it because
she drank four glasses during dinner.

At the end of the main course, when I served the dessert, she squealed with
delight at the "Chocolate mousse" I had made. Huh? Chocolate what? Okay...
yeah... it's Chocolate Moose. Took me HOURS to make... yup.

Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused herself to use my
restroom. While she was in there, I heard her say softly to herself "uh oh"
and a resounding but petite fart punctuated her utterance of dismay.

Let the games begin.

She sprayed about half a can of air freshener (Air Freshener, 1 each, Orange
scent. Yup. The Army even makes smellgood) and returned to the couch, this
time with an obvious pained look.

After 10 more minutes she excused herself again, and retreated to the
bathroom for the second time. I could hear her say "What the hell is WRONG
with me???," as she again send flatulent shockwaves into the porcelain bowl.
This time, they sounded kinda wet, and I heard the toilet paper roll being
employed, and again, LOTS more air freshener.

Back to the couch. She smiles meekly as she decides to sit on the chair
instead of next to me. She sits on my chair, knees pulled up to her chest,
kind of rocking back and forth slightly. Suddenly, without a word, she
ROCKETED up and FLEW to the bathroom, slammed the door, and didn't come out
for 30 minutes.

I turned the movie up because I didn't want her to hear me laughing so hard
that tears were streaming down my cheeks.

She came out with a slightly gray palor to her face, and said "I am SOOOOOO
sorry. I have NO idea what i s wrong with me. I am so embarrassed, I can't
believe I keep running to your bathroom!!" I gave her an Immodium AD, and
she finally settled down and relaxed.

Later on, she asked me again what I had made for dinner, because she had
enjoyed it so much. I calmly took her into the kitchen and showed her all
the used MRE bags and packets in the trash can.

After explaining to her that she had eaten roughly 9,000 calories of "Army
food" she turned stark white, looked at me incredulously, and said "I ate
9,000 calories or dehydrated food that was made 3 years ago?" After I
concurred, she grabbed her coat and keys, and took off without a word.

She called me yesterday. Seems she couldn't shit for 3 days, and when she
finally did, the smell was so bad, her roommate could smell it from down the
hall. She also told me she had been working out nonstop to combat the high
caloric intake, and that she never wanted me to cook dinner for her again,
unless she was PERSONALLY there to inspect the food beforehand.

It was a fun date. She laughed about it eventually, and said that that was
the first time she'd ever crapped in a guy's house on a date. She'd been so
upset by it she was in tears in the bathroom while I had been in tears on
the couch.

I know, I'm an asshole, but it was still a funny night.

I almost wet myself laughing. ML
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Postby Zuran_Alda » Tue Jul 24, 2007 8:24 pm

ROFLMAO!!! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

That is a good one man!!
Dungeon Bastard wrote:High-level characters run roughshod over the unwashed masses all the time. And that is by design. It's not just Darwinian. It's Gygaxian!
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Postby Rubberman » Wed Jul 25, 2007 10:00 am

haha!
Saunders wrote:Aww, orc, I'm touched. (That's a special double-entendre for you, being a Newfoundlander.)


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Postby BunnyPuncher » Wed Jul 25, 2007 10:15 am

Honest priest

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland turned to the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, And I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, "Father, do you have a anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father."
As stupid as it sounds to us now, it actually was uttered as weni wedi wici.
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Postby Heironeous » Mon Aug 27, 2007 2:22 pm

The Guys' Rules­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down



Finally, the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "the rules"
From the female side.


Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem.

See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, You probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1.. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as SEX, CARS, the shotgun formation,
or BASKETBALL.



1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can -

to give them a bigger laugh
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Postby Sunnray » Tue Sep 11, 2007 4:32 pm

Image
Ray
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Postby xmichaud » Tue Sep 11, 2007 4:45 pm

THat just made my day! :D :lol: :lol:
Yesterdays technology, tomorrow!
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Postby Rubberman » Wed Sep 12, 2007 9:54 am

hah awesome.
Saunders wrote:Aww, orc, I'm touched. (That's a special double-entendre for you, being a Newfoundlander.)


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