The Joke Thread (can be NSFW)

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Postby Dalcassius » Tue Oct 04, 2011 12:01 pm

**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**

'Hello?'
'Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?'
'No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Gabe.'

**After a brief pause,**

'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Gabe.'
'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.'

**Brief Pause.**

'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy
that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'
'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'

**A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.**

'I did it, Daddy.'
'And what happened, honey?'
'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!'
'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Gabe?'
'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'

***Long Pause***

*****Longer Pause*****

*****Even Longer Pause*****

'Swimming pool? ............. Is this 555-5731?'

'No, I think you have the wrong number.'
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Postby Dalcassius » Tue Oct 11, 2011 8:28 am

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and preceded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight," the boy replied. The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me.

They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."
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Re: The Joke Thread (can be NSFW)

Postby Dalcassius » Tue Dec 06, 2011 11:57 am

A very successful business man parked his brand new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus with his lights flashing.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the man started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"

"OH, MY GOD!!!" screamed the business man. "My Rolex!"
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Re: The Joke Thread (can be NSFW)

Postby CidVicious » Tue Jan 17, 2012 11:14 am

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Re: The Joke Thread (can be NSFW)

Postby orcdoubleax » Fri May 11, 2012 1:20 pm

Actual Classifieds taken from Us newspapers in Jan

---------------------------------------------------------------

USED TOMBSTONE perfect for someone named Homer Hendel Bergen Heinzel one only xxx-xxxx

----------------------------------------------------------------

USED TOILET PAPER For Sale. i have a wide selection of brands and designs, csll for details and prices xxx-xxx

----------------------------------------------------------------

FULL SIZE Mattress. Royal Tonic, 20 Year warranty. like New. Slight urine smell. $40

----------------------------------------------------------------

To all you hunters who kill animals for food, shame on you; you ought to go to the store and buy the meat that was made there, where no animals were harmed.

----------------------------------------------------------------

WANTED: Someone to go back in time with me. This is not a joke. P.O. Box XXX, Oakview, CA 93022. You'll get paid after we get back. Must bring your own weapons. Safety not guaranteed. I have only done this once before.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

TURKEY - FOR SALE. Partially eaten. only eight days old. Both drumsticks still intact. $23.00 obo xxx.xxxx
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Re: The Joke Thread (can be NSFW)

Postby bandit » Fri May 11, 2012 1:43 pm

orcdoubleax wrote:WANTED: Someone to go back in time with me. This is not a joke. P.O. Box XXX, Oakview, CA 93022. You'll get paid after we get back. Must bring your own weapons. Safety not guaranteed. I have only done this once before.


This one has a movie coming out this summer based on it:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1862079/
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Re: The Joke Thread (can be NSFW)

Postby Zuran_Alda » Fri May 11, 2012 1:50 pm

I might actually watch that movie.
Dungeon Bastard wrote:High-level characters run roughshod over the unwashed masses all the time. And that is by design. It's not just Darwinian. It's Gygaxian!
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Re: The Joke Thread (can be NSFW)

Postby orcdoubleax » Fri May 11, 2012 2:02 pm

bandit wrote:
orcdoubleax wrote:WANTED: Someone to go back in time with me. This is not a joke. P.O. Box XXX, Oakview, CA 93022. You'll get paid after we get back. Must bring your own weapons. Safety not guaranteed. I have only done this once before.


This one has a movie coming out this summer based on it:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1862079/


Then putting it in the paper must have been a publicity thing. I just stole these from the flying cow.
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Re: The Joke Thread (can be NSFW)

Postby Rar » Sat May 12, 2012 10:05 am

I will watch this move.
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Re: The Joke Thread (can be NSFW)

Postby HCGLNS » Wed May 16, 2012 8:14 pm

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"We fire arrows at the tops of your heads and make castanets out of your testicles already!
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Re: The Joke Thread (can be NSFW)

Postby bandit » Thu May 17, 2012 8:21 am

Houses and Humans
LOL...
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Re: The Joke Thread (can be NSFW)

Postby Saunders » Thu May 17, 2012 8:45 am

That's actually a bit of a rip-off from a cartoon in the old AD&D DMG, where a party of adventurers are sitting around a gaming table and the fighter is explaining to an onlooker that "We're roleplaying workers and students in an industrial and technology society," and I think the name on the books is "Papers & Paycheques".

Ah-ha. Found a link.

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Re: The Joke Thread (can be NSFW)

Postby Dalcassius » Mon May 28, 2012 8:27 am

orcdoubleax wrote:
bandit wrote:
orcdoubleax wrote:WANTED: Someone to go back in time with me. This is not a joke. P.O. Box XXX, Oakview, CA 93022. You'll get paid after we get back. Must bring your own weapons. Safety not guaranteed. I have only done this once before.


This one has a movie coming out this summer based on it:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1862079/


Then putting it in the paper must have been a publicity thing. I just stole these from the flying cow.


That ad is years old, all of those ads have been floating around for quite a while. I'm not saying it's not a publicity stunt, but if it is, they waited too long to release the movie.

I still want to see this though.
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Re: The Joke Thread (can be NSFW)

Postby Dalcassius » Wed Nov 07, 2012 9:37 am

An 10-year-old altar boy catches the priest masturbating.
He says, "What are you doing Father?"
"It's called masturbating,” the priest replied, "You'll be doing this soon."
"Why Father?" he asked
"Because my wrist is killing me,” the priest replied.
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Re: The Joke Thread (can be NSFW)

Postby Heironeous » Fri Feb 22, 2013 5:32 pm

Job Description

Someone asked me,

“Now that you’re retired, do you still have a job?”

I replied, “Yes I am my wife's sexual advisor."


Somewhat shocked, they said

"I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"


"Very simple. The wife has told me that when she

wants my f---ing advice, she'll ask me for it.
() ()
( . .)
c('')('')
How about a cup of Shut the F$%^ up?
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