The Joke Thread (can be NSFW)

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Re: The Joke Thread (can be NSFW)

Postby Heironeous » Thu Apr 18, 2013 10:33 am

On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her
wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired SAILOR,
and asked,

"Honey, do you remember this?"

He looked up from his newspaper and said;

"Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married"

She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me
that night?"

He nodded and said

"Yes dear, I said; Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of
those boobs and screw your brains out."

She giggled and said;

"That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years
later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say
tonight?"

He looked her up and down and said;

" Mission Accomplished "
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Re: The Joke Thread (can be NSFW)

Postby Zuran_Alda » Thu Apr 18, 2013 12:45 pm

lol ... good one
Dungeon Bastard wrote:High-level characters run roughshod over the unwashed masses all the time. And that is by design. It's not just Darwinian. It's Gygaxian!
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Re: The Joke Thread (can be NSFW)

Postby Heironeous » Wed Jul 17, 2013 10:48 am

Wanting Coffee:

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun
in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.
He says to the waiter:




"Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure. Coming right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee......
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp,
turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun,
causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling
another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to
the waiter:





"Want coffee."

The waiter says "Whoa!
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday.
What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says,



"Training for position in government:
Come in,
drink coffee,
shoot the bull,
leave shit for others to clean up,
disappear for rest of day."
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Re: The Joke Thread (can be NSFW)

Postby Zuran_Alda » Wed Jul 17, 2013 10:56 am

lol ... good one, Lib.

Nice to hear from you, btw
Dungeon Bastard wrote:High-level characters run roughshod over the unwashed masses all the time. And that is by design. It's not just Darwinian. It's Gygaxian!
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Re: The Joke Thread (can be NSFW)

Postby xmichaud » Thu Jul 18, 2013 2:46 pm

Not sure if this has been posted , but here we go:

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at
work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman’s husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in
there already.
The little boy says, “Dark in here.”
The man says, “Yes, it is.”
Boy – “I have a baseball.”
Man – “That’s nice.”
Boy – “Want to buy it?”
Man – “No, thanks.”
Boy – “My dad’s outside.”
Man – “OK, how much?”
Boy – “$250″
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are
in the closet together.
Boy – “Dark in here.”
Man – “Yes, it is.”
Boy – “I have a baseball glove.”
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?”
Boy – “$750″
Man – “Fine.”
A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove, let’s go
outside and have a game of catch.” The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my
baseball and my glove.” The father asks, “How much did you sell them
for?”
Boy – “$1,000″
The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like
that…that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, “Dark in here.”

The priest says, “Don’t start that shit again.”
Yesterdays technology, tomorrow!
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Re: The Joke Thread (can be NSFW)

Postby xmichaud » Thu Jul 18, 2013 5:15 pm

I really should get back to work>>>

One day, a man was complaining to his friend about how much his elbow ached and that he was thinking of seeing a doctor. His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the local shopping centre that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.00!”

The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing and, after a brief pause, popped out a small slip of paper which read: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labour. It will be better in two weeks…….

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. So, he decided to give it a try – He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

Then, he went back to the store and located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its lights and printed out the following analysis: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant ……. twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don’t stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better!
Yesterdays technology, tomorrow!
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Re: The Joke Thread (can be NSFW)

Postby Heironeous » Tue Sep 10, 2013 11:16 am

Very good!


The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby of the convention center where he was introduced to a U.S. Marine General.
As they talked, the Iranian whispered, "I have just one question about what I have seen in America. "My son watches this show called Star Trek and in it there is Kirk who is Canadian, Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black, and Sulu who is Japanese, but there are NO Muslims.
My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians, Palestinians, Saudis, Syrians, or Pakistanis on Star Trek."
The General leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador, and whispered in his ear, "That's because it takes place in the future."


Hi guys, I can't wait to see bluenose country
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Re: The Joke Thread (can be NSFW)

Postby Zuran_Alda » Tue Sep 10, 2013 12:05 pm

Heironeous wrote:Hi guys, I can't wait to see bluenose country


Is there a visit planned?
Dungeon Bastard wrote:High-level characters run roughshod over the unwashed masses all the time. And that is by design. It's not just Darwinian. It's Gygaxian!
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Re: The Joke Thread (can be NSFW)

Postby Rubberman » Tue Sep 10, 2013 12:18 pm

Zuran_Alda wrote:
Heironeous wrote:Hi guys, I can't wait to see bluenose country


Is there a visit planned?


+1
Saunders wrote:Aww, orc, I'm touched. (That's a special double-entendre for you, being a Newfoundlander.)


http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j34/dirtydy2/1.gif
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Re: The Joke Thread (can be NSFW)

Postby orcdoubleax » Tue Sep 10, 2013 12:42 pm

Rubberman wrote:
Zuran_Alda wrote:
Heironeous wrote:Hi guys, I can't wait to see bluenose country


Is there a visit planned?


+1


+2
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Re: The Joke Thread (can be NSFW)

Postby Heironeous » Wed Sep 11, 2013 9:25 am

Not yet but I am working on a buisiness trip and trying to get posted back. I will let you guys know when I do come out
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Re: The Joke Thread (can be NSFW)

Postby Heironeous » Wed Sep 11, 2013 9:26 am

The Darwin’s are out!!!!
Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious winner:
1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
And now, the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3 A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6 A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family....unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.
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Re: The Joke Thread (can be NSFW)

Postby zak x » Wed Sep 11, 2013 10:08 am

This is great :mrgreen:
We will burn together or die trying! Trog
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Re: The Joke Thread (can be NSFW)

Postby Zuran_Alda » Wed Sep 11, 2013 4:57 pm

I love the Darwins!
Dungeon Bastard wrote:High-level characters run roughshod over the unwashed masses all the time. And that is by design. It's not just Darwinian. It's Gygaxian!
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Re: The Joke Thread (can be NSFW)

Postby CidVicious » Wed Sep 11, 2013 6:03 pm

I remember seeing the video for 7. It was great.
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