The Joke Thread (can be NSFW)

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Re: The Joke Thread (can be NSFW)

Postby Heironeous » Thu Sep 12, 2013 9:34 am

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.

Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen.

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.


The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.



Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed byPepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.

It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.


Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
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Re: The Joke Thread (can be NSFW)

Postby Heironeous » Thu Sep 19, 2013 10:16 am

A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC

THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC, PROBABLY ONE OF
THE MOST WORRYSOME IN RECENT YEARS.
25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.
That's scary. It means 75% are running around untreated.
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Re: The Joke Thread (can be NSFW)

Postby Heironeous » Wed Oct 09, 2013 8:37 am

RENAULT & FORD have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault "Clio" and the Ford "Taurus" they have designed the “Clitaurus”.

It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumour has it though, it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real bitch to start in the morning. Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over!

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of.

Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age.

Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk seems to increase with age, but say that added paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace when it becomes troublesome.
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Re: The Joke Thread (can be NSFW)

Postby xmichaud » Wed Oct 16, 2013 12:19 pm

A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, “Quick! Bring me a beer before it starts!”

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.

When he finished it, he said, “Quick! Bring me another beer! It’s gonna start!”

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.

When it was gone, he said, “Quickly! Another beer! It’s gonna start any second!”

“That’s it!” She blows her top. “You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don’t even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave! Don’t you realise that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?”

The husband sighed. “Oh shit. It’s started.”
Yesterdays technology, tomorrow!
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Re: The Joke Thread (can be NSFW)

Postby xmichaud » Wed Oct 16, 2013 12:22 pm

One day, a father gets out of work, and on his way home, he remembers that it’s his daughter’s birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the salesperson, “How much is the Barbie on the display window?”
The salesperson answers, “Which one? We have:

Work out Barbie for $19.95

Shopping Barbie for $19.95

Beach Barbie for $19.95

Disco Barbie for $19.95

and Divorced Barbie for $265.95

The amazed father asks: “What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?”

The annoyed salesperson answers:

“Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with:
Ken’s car,
Ken’s house,
Ken’s boat,
Ken’s furniture,
Ken’s computer, and
One of Ken’s Friends.”
Yesterdays technology, tomorrow!
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Re: The Joke Thread (can be NSFW)

Postby Heironeous » Mon Dec 23, 2013 2:54 pm

Just got off the phone with a cousin who lives in Scotland.


She said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling.. The temperature is dropping far below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. Her husband has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.

She says that if it gets much worse, she may have to let the drunken bastard in.
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Re: The Joke Thread (can be NSFW)

Postby Heironeous » Wed Feb 12, 2014 10:12 am

New sign at Wal-Mart



Our society is doomed..............

IDIOT SIGHTING



I handed the teller @ my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00
I said "May I have large bills, please"
She looked at me and said "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size."
When I got up off the floor I explained it to her....


IDIOT SIGHTING


When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!' His reply: 'I know. I already got that side.'
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS


IDIOT SIGHTING


We had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.
He said, 'NO, it's not..' Four is larger than two.'

We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING


My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.
She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.'
The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.


IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE


My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
-- From Kansas City



IDIOT SIGHTING


I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
-Happened in Birmingham , Ala.


IDIOT SIGHTING


The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS


IDIOT SIGHTING


At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing,'
our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.'
Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.


IDIOT SIGHTING


I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself
and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff’s office, no less.



IDIOT SIGHTING


How would you pronounce this child's name?
"Le-a"
Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.
This child attends a school in Kansas City, Mo.
Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.
It's pronounced "Ledasha".
When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."

SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.
If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent.

STAY ALERT!

They walk among us......and they VOTE.
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Re: The Joke Thread (can be NSFW)

Postby CidVicious » Fri Feb 14, 2014 6:34 pm

Old Man And The Beaver

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor
for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,'Things are great
and I've never felt better.'

I now have a 20 year-old bride
who is pregnant with my child.

"So what do you think about that Doc ?"


The doctor considered his question for a minute
and then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season."


One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his
walking cane instead of his gun."

"As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.


He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if
it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."

"Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said,
"Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied , "My point exactly."
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Re: The Joke Thread (can be NSFW)

Postby Heironeous » Fri Feb 21, 2014 9:40 am

That was a good one bro

Alan and Sandra lived at Peggy’s Cove, Nova Scotia.


It was early winter and the lower portion of the cove had frozen over.


Alan asked Sandra if she would walk across the frozen part of the cove to the general store and get him some smokes and beer.


She asked him for some money but he told her, "Nah, just put it on our tab.Old man Stacey won't mind."


So Sandra, being the good wife, walked across the ice, got the smokes and beer at the store and then walked back home across the cove.


When she got home with the items she said, "Alan, you always tell me not to run up the tab at Stacey's store. Why didn't you just give me some money?"


Alan replied, "Well, Sandra, I didn't want to send you out there with cash when I wasn't sure how thick the ice was!"


A love story like this almost brings tears to you eyes.......
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Re: The Joke Thread (can be NSFW)

Postby Heironeous » Wed Apr 09, 2014 9:02 am

A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hand.

Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

Three students raise their hands.

That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further. Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Ahmed replied, "Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats."
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Re: The Joke Thread (can be NSFW)

Postby Heironeous » Mon May 05, 2014 11:27 am

Subject: Old Goats?

Thought you might get a laugh at this one.....

OLD PEOPLE...
A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up three cans and took them to the check-out counter.

The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."
The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store.


They sold her the cat food.
The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food.


Again, the cashier said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog."


So she went home and brought in her dog.


She then was able to buy the dog food.
The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid.


The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.
The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."


The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her.


So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out.


She said to the little old lady, "That smells like shit."


The little old lady said, "It is. I want to buy two rolls of toilet paper."


Don't mess with old people
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Re: The Joke Thread (can be NSFW)

Postby Heironeous » Tue May 06, 2014 10:18 am

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter’s helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.
'Thanks,' the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '
The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'
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Re: The Joke Thread (can be NSFW)

Postby Heironeous » Wed Jun 04, 2014 10:51 am

IRISHMAN IN THE ELEVATOR

Skinny little white Irishman gets into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him. He looks down at the Irishman and says:
"7 ft tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown"

The little white Irishman faints dead away and falls to the floor.


The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him......The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you just say to me?"

The big dude says, "Well, I saw your curious look and I figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me................ I'm 7 ft tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my tes ticles weigh 3 pounds each....and my name is Turner Brown"

The little white Irishman says:

"Turner Brown?!....Sweet Jesus.........I thought you said, "Turn around!"
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Re: The Joke Thread (can be NSFW)

Postby Zuran_Alda » Tue Dec 16, 2014 3:35 pm

The truth about Yoda

Image

Image
Dungeon Bastard wrote:High-level characters run roughshod over the unwashed masses all the time. And that is by design. It's not just Darwinian. It's Gygaxian!
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